According to the Mayans, Nostradamus, the I-Ching, Hopi Indians, conspiracy theorists, prophets and various members of the Screenwriters’ Guild, that’s all the time we have left. On December 21, 2012, our planet will enter into a galactic alignment that will reverse the earth’s magnetic poles, volcanoes will erupt, earthquakes will splinter the continents and those “I Can Haz Cheezburger” cats will rule the apocalyptic wasteland with an iron fist.
The end is near, Froggyland… and the zombies are coming!
Before I scare you into hoarding canned goods and teaching your children the proper way to put on a gas mask, let me say this: I don’t believe the world will come to an end on 12/21/12. There are a number of reasons that I just don’t buy into the doomsday prophets, but that’s not what I want to discuss.
On the morning of December 22nd
, I’m 99.99% certain that I will not wake up to a new reality of zombie neighbors stopping by to borrow a cup of brains. I will, however, wake up to the realization that I have not finished my Christmas shopping. Now that I think about it, facing zombie Wal-Mart shoppers on the last weekend before the holiday is actually more frightening than a cataclysmic end to life as we know it.
But there is that .01% of doubt that still lingers in my mind. What if I’m wrong? What if the Mayans were right? What if the world stops spinning on December 21st
and the undead roam the earth? What was I thinking when I decided to use up my remaining vacation days THE WEEK AFTER???!!!
So, in the spirit of holidays and extinction level event paranoia, I’ve compiled a list of things I will miss in the days, weeks and months after the zombie apocalypse takes over.
The Walking Dead
I’ve never been one for appointment television, but I am a fan of AMC’s The Walking Dead
. If we are completely honest with ourselves, the show is nothing more than a soap opera. I don’t usually watch soap operas, but then again, if General Hospita
l were coping with the aftermath of the undead, I might give it a shot.
I enjoy watching the survivors dealing with the day to day problems that the undead bring. I enjoy watching that play out on my television screen. I would not enjoy watching it play out on my front lawn. If 12/21 brings the zombies, at least I have a better chance of survival than the people who choose not to watch this show… and the folks who can’t watch because they have Dish Network.
What else really needs to be said about this? Oreos are America’s favorite cookie and the best friend milk ever had. Nothing would be more satisfying after a hard day of fortifying your home against the zombie invasion than a cold glass of milk and a little slice of cookie heaven.
(Note to self: Buy 20 packages of Oreos on 12.20)
I love Will Ferrell movies: Talladega Nights, Anchorman, Elf
. I’m not going to debate the merits of his films or his skills as an actor. This blog is not the proper forum. Let’s just accept the fact that I’m a Will Ferrell fan and move on.
is slated for release on October 19th
of next year. Bottom line, I will not be happy if the zombie apocalypse happens before this movie is released. I don’t want Ron Burgundy to look like this:
The History Channel
I could really survive on about five television channels. To be completely honest, outside of those five, I don’t even know which networks I have or where to find them. But I can guarantee that History Channel is #37 on Murray Electric’s cable system. If you turned on my television right now, it would be set on The History Channel.
I will admit, there are flaws in their programming. For instance, you don’t actually get a lot of history on The History Channel. Not a big deal, since you don’t get any music on MTV or learn anything from The Learning Channel. (As a side note, if The Learning Channel is still available after the apocalypse, I’m totally going to start watching Zombie Honey Boo Boo
. Can you imagine what she would look like as a zombie?)
The History Channel’s programming consists of shows about people buying old stuff in barns that they sell at a ridiculous markup, guys who kill alligators to sell at a ridiculous markup and pawn shops that buy old stuff from people and sell it at a ridiculous markup.
They also feature shows about 2012 and the coming apocalypse.
I suppose after December 21, they may run some programming that deals with actual history, since the market for 2012 apocalypse shows will no longer have value. And who’s to blame for all of this?