Last Saturday, I had the pleasure of attending the 3rd Annual Hickman County Spring Chicken Fest in Clinton, KY. It was my first year going and I was REALLY excited after hearing how much fun Windy Waters had the last 2 years out there. The poster says it’s, “A Feather Rufflin’ Good Time,” and I was ready for it!
When Windy was there last year she competed (and did really well) in the Chicken Dance Contest. Given my past as a professional Chicken Dancer, I knew I could do at least as well as she did. Maybe even a little better. I embarked on an intense 3-week training regimen to get ready and felt I was well prepared. More on that later.
(Flashback pic: Windy last year)
We made the hour long trek to Clinton and I was pretty nervous. It rained cats and dogs pretty much the whole drive there. I was afraid we’d get there only to find out the event had been rained out. Much to my relief, things were going forward as scheduled when we got there and we got right to setting up.
Something pretty incredible happened after we got our tent up. Mr. Froggy was a little upset about all the rain and decided to do something about it. He chicken danced. This was no ordinary chicken dance, though. It stopped raining as soon as he was done.
It didn’t rain a single drop the rest of the time we were out there. I don’t know if there was something mystical about the way he did it and I wasn’t about to dwell on it. It was time to have some fun!
And a fun time we had. Considering the weather, there was a great amount of people there checking out the booths of arts & crafts, the games for kids and the chicken. Oof. There were food vendors cooking a million kinds of chicken and it smelled sooooooo good. It was pretty yummy, too! It was hard not to spend all of my money on all that tasty chicken.
Shortly before noon, they held the first of many events that day: the kids chicken clucking contest! Willie Cluckin’ Nelson kicked off the contest and the kids had a pretty good time. After that, I started warming up for the Chicken Dance contest. I double-knotted my Adidas and got my “wings” a flappin’. My confidence was at an all-time high. Little did I know, I was about to come crashing back down to earth.
I was approached by a representative of the southeast division of the APCD (Association of Professional Chicken Dancers). She proceeded to tell me that I had been disqualified from that afternoon’s competition and had been suspended indefinitely.
I know what you’re thinking. “What? This is a travesty of justice!” Well, in the spirit of “National Honesty Day,” I have to come clean and say that I got busted for cheating. Yep. Banned substances.
Whilst in the middle of my training regimen I realized that I’m no spring chicken and my days of competitive chicken dancing were long behind me. That, combined with the pressure of trying to compete with Windy Waters, led me to use PEDs. You know: Performance Enhancing Drumsticks. I was also caught with pine tar under my wings…er…arms for a more smooth flap. I’d like to extend my sincerest apologies to my fans, my family and the APCD for my actions.
Still, a good time was had by all and I hope to be invited back next year too!
(*Okay…being that this is “85% of a true story,” it’s clear that part of this story is made up. I’d like to set the record straight on that now. I wore Asics that day, not Adidas.)